Shadows and Candles
by MuffinLove03
Summary: POST TLJ: The emotional aftermath and subsequent realizations following the battle on Crait. "The dance between darkness and light will always remain— the stars and the moon will always need the darkness to be seen, the darkness will just not be worth having without the moon and the stars."
1. Chapter 1

**[A/N: Hi there! Okay, so I don't really know what I'm doing but after seeing TLJ, I can't stop thinking about where this story can go and the thought of waiting two years is agonizing! I didn't really see or think about Reylo in TFA but after seeing TLJ, let me tell you, I am HERE FOR IT. XD**

 **Anyway, this is my first Star Wars fanfic. I'm a little nervous so please, if you have any thoughts, suggestions, corrections, etc., please let me know. There's so much to remember in the Star Wars universe and I just watched all of the movies for the first time two years ago. While I am indeed in love with this world, I'm still new to it so help a writer out, eh?**

 **Like I said, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this but I have theories and emotions I want to explore with these characters and if you guys dig it, I may flesh this out into an actual story.**

 **Also, I of course do not own Star Wars or anything from it. (If I did, I'm sure I'd feel like less of a n00b XD).**

 **Anyway, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think.]**

He hadn't expected to see her again. When the bond resurfaced, inducing a deafening quiet over the room as he knelt in the now decimated control center, he'd almost thought he was imagining her presence until he looked up. In that moment, he could feel her falter for the briefest of moments, their eyes locked on one another as each attempted to sort through the conflicted waves of emotions that were crashing down on them like the tides on Ahch-To.

Amidst the emotional upheaval happening in his mind, one realization rang out like a siren. He was seeing her and by the expression on her face, she could see him, too. Snoke had told them in no uncertain terms that he had been the one to initiate their bond. The manipulation and devious way in which he'd boasted his power over Kylo's weakness left a bitter taste in his mouth. But how could they be having this encounter if Snoke was dead? Perhaps the connection, once established, didn't require the originator to be alive to continue. Or, as his mind drifted into the beckoning calls of self-loathing, could it have been that their connection had been genuine? For what purpose, he wasn't sure, but if Snoke had lied… if their connection was based in something real and not his master's manipulation…

Rey paused for the briefest of moments after ushering the remaining Resistance members onto what he could only assume was the Millenium Falcon. In that moment of quiet, her eyes spoke volumes that he couldn't read, but he felt. He felt her hesitation, her disappointment, and when her brow fixed and she steadied herself, he sensed her resolve as she abruptly shut the door, effectively breaking their connection.

As the dice in his hand disappeared into nothing, he could feel a familiar darkness encroaching over his chest, enveloping his heart like quicksand and it was suffocating. Snoke had been right. As he felt the familiar entanglement of regret and self-doubt and loathing wash over him, he mentally chastised himself for his weakness. This was his problem. Why was he like this? Why couldn't he be stronger? He'd done everything possible - everything he could think of. He'd killed his father, he'd killed his master, and countless other innocent lives across the galaxy and for what? He'd believed it would become easier with time. He'd believed he could fully immerse himself in the darkness if he gave into it. If he _embraced_ it. What more did he have to do to eliminate the unspeakable pain that burned through his soul like acid? Now everything seemed to be for naught. He felt weaker, more broken, and the sight of Rey's piercing gaze would surely haunt him in his restless sleep.

"Supreme Leader?" A stormtrooper tentatively stepped into the room, despite his command for them to wait outside.

" _Out!"_ Kylo nearly screamed, lifting his hand and throwing the stormtrooper across the room where he collided with the wall.

He knew it was only a matter of time before General Hux grew impatient and decided to pester him to leave Crait and seek out the Resistance once again. Truth be told, he hated them. He'd hated Snoke and Hux, the First Order - all of it. But it'd given him purpose and when he'd killed Snoke, breaking free of his master's hold on him, he'd expected to feel some sort of liberation. Instead he felt lost, wearing shoes that didn't fit and that he didn't want… but they were all he had.

He could have had Rey. The things they'd shared in such a short time felt more poignant that any interaction or accomplishment he'd experienced thus far in his life. He'd seen a future with her and he _wanted_ it, far more than he could have ever imagined. He knew they could be powerful together, that they were _meant_ to do great things together, and yet, she'd rejected him.

A small part of him gnawed at the back of his mind, reminding him that he could have chosen differently. But could he? He quickly shook the thought from his mind but it hadn't been the first time it'd appeared, taunting him.

" _Arghhhh!_ " He stood up abruptly, storming the room for something to destroy. Much of the equipment and structures had been damaged by the cannon so he found himself punching sheets of metal and breaking plates of glass that had yet to crack. He felt like there was fire in his veins, burning him from the inside out and in his agony, he could feel nothing but rage and an animalistic desire to escape it.

He felt out of control, wild and spinning like a free-fall in zero gravity. In his anguished rage, he was blind and numb to the ache in his wrists and the way he'd split his knuckles even through his gloves. As his adrenaline ebbed, his breathing shallow and haggard, he settled into the omnipresent loneliness that seemed to tear through the very core of his being.

Kneeling to the floor once more, he willed himself to shake it off, to push aside the weakness that threatened him. He was the Supreme Leader now; he couldn't be weak. Yet the image of Rey's gaze, still fresh in his mind, induced more struggle in his heart than he'd experienced before. The hope in her eyes, the understanding in her words… he wanted to shed the memories like a cloak but they were embedded within him now and he could sooner shed his own skin than be rid of the disappointment in her eyes. She'd let him down and yet he almost felt like he'd betrayed _her._ And despite the First Order's embarrassing loss and his tempestuous duel with his uncle, it was the way she'd look at him that made him feel like a failure most of all.

 **[A/N: The quote in the story description is by C. Joybell C.]**


	2. Chapter 2

**[A/N: Hi there! Thanks to all who have followed and reviewed! In case you were wondering, I'm not quite done with this idea yet sooo here's another chapter. I'm still exploring ideas and theories so we'll see where the wind takes me! XD]**

As the few remaining Resistance members congregated throughout the ship, Rey found refuge in the Falcon's crew quarters. Three bunks were arranged around the perimeter of a small room with thin brown blankets on each. She wondered briefly how everyone on ship would be able to manage, given that they appeared to have half as many bunks as needed, despite the Resistance's meager numbers.

The important thing was that they'd escaped. With every minute that passed, they put more and more distance between themselves and the First Order. As she'd retreated from the celebratory chatter in the ship's main hold, Rey had overheard discussion amongst Leia and other members of the crew of an abandoned Rebel base far out along the Outer Rim. Comforted by the idea that, for now, they were finally safe, Rey sought an escape from the crowd.

Her mind was spinning as she planted herself on one of the bunks, resting her forearms over her knees and allowing herself to deflate for a moment in exhaustion. Pieces of hair hung freely in her face, bound by sweat and dirt and the lingering scent of battle. It felt strange to be in a quiet place after everything that had happened but it was the peace she needed. Once her adrenaline had subsided, she realized just how exhausted she was, both mentally and physically. Her muscles ached and almost seemed to throb against the exertion she'd put them through in fighting. The gash on her arm had stopped bleeding some time ago and as Rey glanced at it, images of her and Kylo fighting side by side flashed vividly across her memory. She furrowed her brow, exhaling deeply as she allowed herself to recline back onto the bed, resting her head on a pillow and planting her feet on the other side without removing her shoes.  
She could still see his face, like a branding on her mind, staring up at her with those wistful eyes that had seduced her into seeking him out. Bent at the knee with his father's golden dice in his hand, his defeat was palpable and though she couldn't see his surroundings, she knew he was in the base's command center mere moments after the Resistance. He didn't say a word to her but the emotions she felt on his behalf were enough to make her hesitate. His eyes glistened with regret and the intensity of his contrition came through not only their bond but the haunting gaze he fixed upon her. For a moment, she'd thought of her vision: the two of them side by side and the future they could have shared. But Kylo had chosen differently. He'd betrayed the vision and her in his adamant rejection of the Light. She knew her disappointment was thinly-veiled and to what degree this mattered, she couldn't be sure. It seemed apparent that he'd made his decision and for this reason, they were divided.  
She tried not to sink into a pit of self-directed chastisement over her failure to bring Kylo back to the Light. She tried not to linger on the hope of uniting with him or the connection they'd shared - the connection fabricated by Snoke…

That connection… how had it resurfaced even after his death? Truthfully that had been part of her shock in seeing him knelt before her when she'd known he wasn't truly there. The way all sound seemed to fade away around them, moments before she even noticed him staring at her… It was astonishing, to say the least, and the moment their connection dissipated, her newfound resolve faltered, if only for a moment. As the last of the Resistance members boarded the Falcon, Rey found herself feeling as though a geyser had opened in her chest. She'd furiously blinked away the threat of tears, forcing herself to smile reassuringly as the Falcon took off and the discord in her heart faded like a memory.

A knock on the door startled Rey, disrupting her thoughts as she nearly hit her head on the low-lying ceiling above the bed.

"Rey, are you in here?" Finn cautiously poked his head inside as Rey threw her legs over the edge of the bed. "Oh hey, we were looking for you."

"Is everything alright?" Rey asked, still prepared for the threat of danger despite their escape.

"Yeah, I think so," Finn nodded, a slight smile on his face. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. You kind of disappeared once we entered hyperspace…" He eyed her warily.

Rey gave a series of slight nods. "Yes, I'm… I'm fine," she said, hoping the constant barrage of thoughts streaming through her mind weren't obvious. "How's Rose?"

"She's stable," Finn replied, swiftly adapting to the subject change. "Her vitals are strong so that's good," He shrugged, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"Good," Rey nodded with a tight smile. "Keep me posted on her condition?"

"Sure, of course," Finn said, hesitating as he followed Rey's downward gaze. "You're sure you're alright?"

She eyed him wearily. "Finn, I'm _fine,"_ she said with tired emphasis. "I just needed some space to think, I suppose. I don't need a _caretaker,"_ She smirked in an effort to put on a more light-hearted air. "You should be with Rose." She nodded to the door and his gaze followed in the same direction.

"Okay," he obliged, turning back to her with a smile. "But if you need anything…"

"You'll be the first I call," Rey replied with a good-natured roll of her eyes. "I'll be out shortly." she added, gesturing to the door with a slight tilt of her head.

"Okay," Finn said, seemingly satisfied with her response. "I'll see you when you come out."

As he pulled the metal door closed behind him, Rey sighed, lifting her gaze to the higher part of the ceiling. She'd spent so much of her life alone in her thoughts; she never realized the day would come when she coveted those moments of quiet almost as much as she longed for the company of those who cared for her. She cherished her newfound friends profoundly, particularly in the aftermath of some of the revelations Kylo had imparted on her - not that any of it surprised her when she was being honest with herself. She'd held onto a flickering glimmer of hope, realizing now that the object of one's hope was just as important as hope itself.

. . . . . . . .

 _The world around him was a distortion of shapes and colors that shifted with each turn of his head. Garbled voices echoed in his mind as an array of tans and browns morphed around him, finally solidifying into a single scene. He didn't recognize anyone's face and there was scarcely anyone around to identify in the first place. In the distance he saw a ship disappearing into the sky and a large figure pulling the hand of a small girl._

 _He ran as fast as his legs could carry him across the scorching sand toward the figures in the distance. He could hear the girl's cries as she reached desperately toward the sky, her arm twisted roughly in the hand of the hulking Crolute.  
"Noooo!" she cried, her voice guttural and distraught. "Come back!"_

 _"_ _Quiet, girl." The large creature instructed, pulling on her again as she tried in vain to follow the ship, raw desperation in her eyes._

 _"_ _Noooo!"_

. . . . . . . .

Kylo shot up from his bed on The Finalizer in a cold sweat. After the unsuccessful search of the base on Crait, Kylo and the rest of the First Order had returned to their ships in defeat. They'd launched back into space in a futile attempt to seek out the Resistance once again but this time, they had no string to follow and the disadvantage of lost time. Kylo had ignored the disdainful look on General Hux's face as he'd brushed past him, fuming and folding in on himself like a desert flower as he locked himself in his private quarters.

Panting, Kylo looked around the minimally decorated room with wild eyes and a pounding heart. Recognizing his surroundings, he finally settled down and clutched his head in one hand. His breathing gradually returned to normal, the recurrent dream fading away just as the curtain of sleep lifted.

It wasn't the first time he'd had this dream, though it'd been years since he'd last seen it. He'd been nothing more than a child at the time with little understanding of the power of the Force or the visions it produced. However, in the aftermath of his experiences with Rey, it didn't surprise him that the Force would show him something he'd seen decades prior. The vision had remained a deep-seeded memory twisted up in the history of Ben Solo, a past life, until learning of Rey's existence. He hadn't understood the vision as a child but now, its meaning carried more poignance than he was ready to withstand.

 **[A/N: By the way, if you want to talk theories, my inbox is WIDE OPEN. I am having a field day hypothesizing where things could go in IX and beyond. And my Star Wars obsession is continuing to grow - I spent several hours last night just reading about the different planets XD**

 **I like to be as accurate as possible, hence the research, so if you see anything in my writing that doesn't fit facts, please let me know :)]**


	3. Chapter 3

**[A/N: This chapter is obnoxiously short but to be honest, I've had some terrible writer's block lately. I have plenty of ideas and concepts and points I want to address but fleshing things out in between has been a challenge. I put this together today and figured I should share it rather than let it sit in my Google drive for another month. Please let me know what you think and if you have any juicy theories/ideas of where you'd like to see things go. I need some inspiration!**

 **Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed thus far, by the way. I really appreciate your comments!]**

Rey nearly jolted upright at the sound of the chamber door opening. She hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep, nor did she know just how much time had passed, until Lieutenant Connix and another Resistance member entered.

"Oh, Rey," the lieutenant said, equally startled by the sight of Rey spinning her legs around and over the edge of the bed. "We were trying not to wake you."

"It's alright," Rey replied absently, standing up and stretching out her back. "How long was I asleep?"

"It's only been a few hours," Connix answered, glancing back at one of the beds. "We're taking turns resting given the limited numbers of beds."

"You don't have to go, though," the other woman quickly assured.

"It's fine," Rey said amicably, heading for the door. "I need to stretch my legs anyway."

The _Falcon_ was quiet and Rey assumed many of the other Resistance members had retired to the crew quarters to rest as well. As she walked down the hallway, she passed by the Head and briefly took note of just how badly she needed to bathe. Her skin was sticky with dirt and sweat and her arm was still smeared with blood from her fight on the _Supremacy_. Some time in a shower would do her good.

As she entered the refresher, she could vaguely hear the sound of Chewie's guttural responses to a softer voice she could reasonably assume was Leia. Behind closed doors once again, Rey paused in front of the mirror. She hadn't taken the time to look at her reflection since her experience in the cave on Ach-To and the sight of her own face was surprisingly unsettling. It wasn't the dirt or blood that bothered her, though, nor was it the thin sheen that covered her face and neck, reflecting light when she turned. It was the answers, or lack thereof, that she'd found in that cave. The subsequent encounter with Kylo Ren that had opened her heart like the cracking of an egg and standing here now, she felt as though she was spilling across the floor for all to see. She felt raw and exposed, betrayed and confused, and amidst it all, heart-broken.

Her eyes glistened with tears as the air around her suddenly stilled and the muscles in her arms tensed. This had happened enough for her to anticipate what this change in the air meant.

"Leave me alone," Rey commanded, her voice wavering faintly.

There was a beat before a familiar voice replied, "You know as well as I do that I have no control in this," Kylo said plainly. His voice was low and held together by a thread. "Neither of us do."

"Why is this still happening?" Rey spun around, her brow furrowed though the unshed tears in her eyes betrayed her formidable stance. "Snoke is dead."

Kylo didn't have a response. Truthfully, he didn't know but he couldn't say he wasn't thankful that their bond still persisted, painful as it may be. Instead he stared at her, his eyes wistful as he took in her presence. He could feel her anger and disappointment as strongly as he could feel his own despair, his sense of loneliness and how undeniably lost he felt at his core.

"You hate me now," he said matter-of-factly, his eyes boring into hers. The vulnerability behind them was nearly enough to make Rey falter; he seemed stoic yet ready to crack. "I can feel it."

Rey hesitated, unsure of how to respond. She could feel his anguish just as intensely as she felt her own pain. The vacillating emotions and dynamic between them in just the past couple days was overwhelming to say the least. After everything he'd done, the choices he made, how could he stand before her still so broken? It didn't make sense. "I don't... hate you," she replied tersely, turning away and crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm _angry_ with you."

Kylo's eyes barely flickered, though he heaved an almost imperceptible sigh before forcing a small chuckle. "It's just as well."

Before Rey could respond, the connection ended. Spinning around to find herself alone once again, her countenance deflated and she sighed deeply before undressing and stepping into the sonic.

. . . . . . . .

Kylo was unable to sleep. He'd often struggled with insomnia over the years but he had a more discernable reason for this present moment in time. As he paced the floor of his chambers, he couldn't stop thinking about Rey. Their conversations, the visions, the dreams… the pieces were starting to come together but the picture in his mind was still such a blur. He knew the dreams he'd been having all these years meant something. A little girl crying out on a desert planet. Had they always been dreams? He recalled Rey's memories, flashes across his mind like a whirlwind almost as vivid as his own. He'd always known that little girl. He'd somehow always known he'd cross paths with her. Uncovering the truth of Rey's parentage had only solidified what he'd known since he was a child. He was destined to find her but for what? He'd always wondered and his vision of her, standing by his side, had seemed to be the answer until her blatant rejection.

How could he make sense of this?

After his unanticipated force connection with Rey, the room suddenly felt more empty. Her demeanor had been tempestuous at best and though he kept a firm handle on his emotions, there was no denying she could see through it all. She could see and feel the inner workings of his mind and heart just as clearly as he could see hers. Despite this vision, despite this insight, how was it that he could still be so painfully wrong about their fate?


End file.
